People have different ideas of achievments, different expectations for their lives. Regarding my failure in 2020. I cried all day, being too much in my head, not speaking to anyone even virtually. Left speechless. Some many thoughts came to me : I’m a failure. I can’t do anything, even something I love. I’m not smart enough. I don’t know what I’m gonna do next. Is this really my way after all ? I never achieve anything. What a disappointment I am. What my friends and familly are going to think about me after all of this time ? At the same time, my mother was trying to cheer me up telling me that a lot of people get famous, or at least recognized, later in their lives. To be honest I don’t care about them. I don’t want to be another Vivian Maier. I’d like to live from this. I get it, I never had anything special : I wasn’t excellent in class, just average; kind of invisible during superior design school; even in my family I was just the silent kid when my cousins had problems or were so intelligent they were wasting their times with bullshit and video games. Never had a youth crisis or any kind of riot against my parents. And when I think about it, I should have. It would have freed me somehow. And nowI almost never say what I think, I never talk back to my parents, I never stand up for myself or at least not properly and when I finally get angry, it’s going nowhere. I still have some kind of ambition but still no define dream. I know I have to push myself. I want to do better and do more. I want to learn and I need to learn by myself. And finish projects too. Maybe it was too soon to get in or my portfolio wasn’t special enough or too short. I will never know but what I know for sure is that I have to learn again how to do my art through my emotions. The exact opposite of my superior design school education. There I learned how to be a robot and just answer to briefings with a little of creativity. But manageable creativity, without putting myself into it. Which I know now I can’t. I took way too much time realizing this. It took me three years in my old job, I needed to lose my grand father and to litteraly explode during a workshop photo to realize that. During four years of superior school and three years of work, I accumulated so much emotions and resentment, bad thoughts without getting them out the only way I know. I remember doing that during my second year when my parents got seperated. I was really angry at my father and I needed to get it out somehow. When I had only good opinions from friends and classmates, I remember my teachers told me that their class were not a psychiatrist session. Which I understood because they asked for emotionless designers but my work didn’t receive a good opinion because of that. I had to assimilate this to continue. And I forgot myself along the way. During photography class, year after year I forgot how to express myself and when I wanted to I didn’t know how to. I know that since then, I made a lot of changes and improvments. But I still think I’m not enough. My supposed talent is not enough : litteraly, conceptually and technically. I still envy the other artists, even when they are friends of mine, that I love them and their work. Sometimes I know I just got depressed because of this, because I think they are excellent, brilliant. I can’t see my work like this. I know I don’t have the knowledge that some of them and I keep telling myself I’ll never be that smart to understand or learn all of that. But I want to. Recently I proved to myself I could be better. Since high school my mother always told me I wasn’t good enough to write. To write anything : analyzes, commentary, text explanation... But for two of my lastest projects, I found the words, my own words to translate my thoughts and what I wanted to show. Today I have to fight against every thing she said I am or could do and just DO what I want. I will do my best to stay on that line.
I had to be twenty-seven to  understand my mind was forged by my family, my school, the social media and society.
Probably the time I needed to decide to go against it and finally try to make my life really mine. 
Accept who I am, my desires, my body, my inspirations, the experiments I want to do around my sexuality even if it’s complicated to understand for my family. 

During 2020 lockdown because of coronavirus pandemic issus, I had time to dare and explore those desires without judgments. Isolated myself to take pictures of my body and develop them on my own for more intimacy. After my failure, I tried to take a step back and found what I really wanted. Experimentations is good and its helping me to understand all the things I never dared to explore or talk about. WORK/TEXT IN PROGRESS ...